Counselling Purpose
This toy plane has all the mechanisms it needs to sail smoothly through the air. It needs the hand to help it rise, steady it and send it on its journey. The hand is the counselling process and the plane, the client's potenial to soar.
Confrontation
Nobody enjoys confrontation. There may be people for whom not addressing a problem is more uncomfortable than the confrontation itself, but no one looks forward to it. Despite this, it is something we of all ages must do on a regular basis, and make no mistake the child confronting a sibling and the employee confronting a boss are equally as difficult for the individual involved.
There are two important aspects to this topic: planning and defining.
Here is an example of a personal situation where I failed to plan. We have had very noisy, party happy neighbours for the past two years. On one night these neighbours were particularly loud and I ventured outside to confront them, sans planning. My request for them to keep the noise down was met with accusations of being racist. While the confrontation was over in mere seconds, nothing was resolved.
Had I planned my argument I would not have chosen this particular time (2am); the venue (the street); the circumstances (a drunken party) or my frame of mind (sleep deprived). Admittedly, we cannot guarantee the perfect scenario but planning will at least reduce the possible negative outcomes. Had I planned my confrontation I would have chosen a more suitable afternoon time (not the morning as this group tend to rise later) and invited them to my home where I feel more confident and relaxed (and could practice my line of reasoning in the actual space). There is no assurance my request for quiet after midnight will be met, however, I will have been pro-active about a problem I have and would not have received a drunken retort.
I have used many synonyms for “confrontation” above, some appear aggressive and others less so. The way you define this term for yourself will contribute to how confidently you approach your issue. If you define it as someone wronging you, you are likely to be more antagonistic. If you define it as a misunderstanding, you are likely to be more composed. By no means should a misunderstanding have any less weight than an outright wrong.
Once a topic has been poorly confronted it is very difficult to revisit it later as the confrontee will have a bitter or trivial memory of the first attempt. A bitter recollection immediately places them on the defensive, while trivialising the event puts them in a position to dismiss the topic before your argument can be brought forward. This is not to say if the initial encounter went abjectly the whole topic should be discarded; rather state out right that your first attempt did not come across well and you’d like to revisit the matter.
Defining the problem in a way that fits with your values and practicing what you want to say can make all the difference in how successfully your confrontation goes and ultimately the likelihood of a favourable resolution.
Being Defensive
Conversations consist of statements and questions and the various reactions to these. Generally, reactions are easy to anticipate allowing for a comfortable flow. There are times, however, when a reaction is defensive and unless the parties are involved in a debate, a defensive reaction seems to come out of the blue. This type of response will often leave many confused, including the person who reacted defensively.
Often blame is assigned to others for being insensitive or naïve when it would be more beneficial to discover the reason behind one’s defensiveness. An example, that often comes up, is the statement “she doesn’t work” in response to a question around the wife’s occupation. The wife tends to become very defensive arguing that looking after the children and cleaning the house is indeed work.
The simple reason behind the wife’s reaction may often be a feeling of insufficiency at not contributing financially. The difficulty comes in (as discussed in the article on Confrontation) in the wife’s definition of work and the statement “she doesn’t work” implying she is lazy.
The question then is would she want the care of her home and children to be considered a job, the connotation of which is something that she has to do but doesn’t necessarily want to do? Does she expect some financial remuneration for the job? If there is no promotion in the foreseeable future, would she want to quit? These questions may seem silly but they succeed in reorganising the definition of work for this instance.
A defensive reaction to seemingly simple statements often has more to do with the person being defensive than the other party. While counselling will uncover the reasons behind such reactions some self-reflection can sometimes achieve the same.
Good Conversations
Of late, there have been a number of articles on various platforms urging one not to use the word “busy” when asked “how are you?”. The articles express how this one word can ruin friendships and conversations. Unfortunately, it is true.
This one-word answer is the adult version of the teenager’s “fine”: it offers no substance and often closes conversations which should not be the aim when socialising with friends or family. The fact of the matter is, everyone in today’s day is busy. Whether blame be to technology, the expected immediacy of requests, longer working hours, more homework, there is simply more to fill a 24 hour period than there was “back in the day” (whenever that may be for you).
Even if “busy” is followed by a barrage of supporting statements, chances are whoever you are speaking to was not after the full blown details of your day-to-day existence when asked how you are (which may have been a greeting and not necessarily a true question). We have become consumed with the whats over the whys and hows: what we are doing should be far less important than why we are doing something and how it makes us feel. It seems a silly distinction to make but in practice, speaking in whys and hows offers the listener more depth. Obviously, a casual chat with a stranger does not require such depth, but the individuals close to our hearts certainly do.
As an example, if asked about plans for the weekend a what answer may be “going to a braai”. In comparison a why and how answer may be “spending some long overdue time with an overseas friend at a lunch braai”. Not only does this provide information about how important friendship is, it allows for further questions and generally an easier conversation with fewer awkward pauses. As with any changes, implementing this one will likely be difficult at first and may result in the odd mouth full of teeth situation; but with a little practice the art of the tête-à-tête can be mastered.
Harmful Praise
Most people thrive on praise. Praise leads to the repetition of the behaviour that garnered the praise in the first place; this behaviour could be good manners in a toddler, a teen independently tidying her room, or landing a large client at work. Irrespective of age, praise makes people feel that what they have done was worth the effort. How, then, can praise be harmful?
Firstly, the manner in which praise is given may be damaging in the sense that it makes the person receiving the praise feel uncomfortable. Not everyone enjoys being in the limelight – often referred to as introverts – public praise will likely cause these individuals embarrassment resulting in the behaviour not being repeated. This is not to say that an opposite behaviour will then be followed: considering the large client example above, the person embarrassed by public praise, such as mention during a department meeting, will not stop garnering clients, but may not reach for the prestigious ones or would rather assist someone else in getting these. For these introverts, getting the job done is more important than outward praise. However, as all people do like a pat on the back, sending an Email of praise would be far better received and would likely encourage the go-getter attitude.
The second instance of harmful praise applies mostly to children: using praise to motivate. Parents and teachers want their children to achieve and be polite, and praise them for attaining these goals. Who needs more praise than the little tyke who is struggling, right? It depends. When children struggle with something, they know they are not good at it and receiving continual praise of little milestones in the efforts to motivate results in the praiser losing credibility and often the child’s self-esteem is lowered.
Please note continual praise of little milestones can be harmful. If the umpteenth attempt to tie shoelaces has been unsuccessful, praising that the right shoe went on the right foot doesn’t cut it as this was already legitimately praised when that portion of the task was mastered. Rather than looking for areas to praise (which can be difficult), be honest with children and praise their efforts over the outcome.
Continual praise may also result in praise becoming addictive where a child requires praise to do anything, including everyday chores. As with any ‘addiction’ a pat on the back will eventually not be enough; this is when praise turns into bribery and tangible things are required over the voiced praise.
In order for praise to have the desired effect of repeating behaviours, be mindful of the personality and determine whether public or personal praise would be better received. Ensure the degree and time of praise are relevant to the effort put in the task, not necessarily the outcome, to remain credible and appear genuine. To avoid creating a ‘praise addict’ vocalise praise rather than provide items.
Above all, praise from others should not replace your own commendation of your hard work.
Apologies
While an earnest apology takes a minute or two to make, accepting an apology can take a day, a week, a month – or two. Or longer. It will differ, as with all things human, from one person to another and from one situation to another. Many articles point out that forgiving does not mean forgetting; in a similar light accepting an apology does not equate to everything being forgiven which would suit our sometimes linear thought patterns.
As an apology is an acknowledgement of wrong-doing, accepting the apology is an acknowledgement that the wrong-doer feels remorse. Phrased this way, it is all about the wrong doer; the wronged has not yet begun the journey toward mending the relationship which the wrong doer is already two steps into. It is this feeling of being behind in the process that is most difficult to manage.
“I know person is sorry, why can’t I get over it?”
Because there are many emotions to deal with: betrayal, anger that the incident happened in the first place, fear that it will happen again, and even a sense of loss. We cannot deal with these emotions all at once, and passing one does not mean it will not circle around again at some stage in the process. Communication, perhaps ironically, is vital, not necessarily about what was done as this often leads to blame, but about what is needed.
This communication is essential if the parties have different methods of dealing with conflict. Some personalities require introspection, while others need an immediate conversation. Pushing one’s own need onto the other will be counterproductive. If a contemplative, cooling off period is needed, regular phonecalls or texts may draw the process out; if increased trips to the gym are needed, suggesting a lunch date may be viewed as interfering instead of sweet.
Once all the above emotions have been worked through, the decision to forgive or not can be made. As stated many times over the years by numerous articles, forgiveness is not synonymous with condoning or forgetting. Forgiving means wanting to remain in the relationship, albeit with potentially different boundaries.
Advice Etiquette
Advice can lead to some heated arguments despite the good intentions it may have been dispensed with, particularly when it is disguised as an opinion. When a friend or family member seems to complain about a situation, most people try to ‘fix’ the problem by making suggestions on how to tackle the situation next time it arises.
Sometimes people just need a place to vent, to get something off their chest. When this is met with advice, whatever sense of calm was gained by venting is abruptly overridden as a perceived lecture ensues. Unfortunately, people are not great fans of quiet space and offering advice is the quickest way to fill that space. Advice should only be given when it is asked for, and even then one should consider if one has the knowledge to offer sound advice.
In the advice-givers defence, sometimes it is unclear whether advice or a listening ear is being sought, and it is up to the person seeking the advice or sympathetic ear to make their needs known. Once the advice has been received, the interaction often ends: the advice seeker leaves feeling better to varying degrees, or at least with further information to ponder on; the advice giver is left feeling mostly ‘consumed’.
Advice can only be given from our own frame of reference and there is usually some trepidation of whether our advice was well received and if it will be used. As the advice seeker, there is some onus to let the advice giver know – at some point – what decision was made. Particularly if the advice giver is someone regularly asked as they may feel that there is little point taking the time to consider the problem and offer some advice as it may not even be used in the decision making process.
To avoid good intentions and vulnerabilities turning into debates and arguments, advice givers and seekers must take responsibility for their roles and see the interaction to its end, which may not always be at the end of the conversation.
Subject Choice
For our grade 9 children the time to choose subjects is upon us. In an ideal world, the subjects should be chosen with a career in mind to allow a seamless transition from high school to university to the world of work.
The reality is that frontal lobe development is only complete somewhere in our twenties. Being the area of the brain responsible for planning, decision making and impulse control it is completely unfair to ask a child of 15 or 16 years to make decisions that have large life implications. How then do children go about making this important decision?
A very common trend is to take the subjects friends are taking; after all the assumption is they’ll be friends forever and will always like the same things. As parents – and older beings – we know different but our opinions seem to have little impact on this age group. Another common trend is to take the subjects one enjoys. Again, with frontal lobe development still continuing, interests may well change before the end of school making this another unsuitable option. What then is left? The subjects one is good at? Considering we tend to succeed in subjects because we enjoy them, this too is not an ideal solution.
For those families – and it does tend to be a family decision – where the subject choice is unclear, an aptitude test can be the answer. The results provide an indication of where innate ability lies. Together with an occupational interest assessment, a broad profile of interest and ability can be determined and where these areas overlap should lie the ideal subjects to take. Yes, I did say interests may change but by looking at occupational interests over the immediate subject interest we gain insight into greater and varied areas of occupational interest.
Boundaries
Boundaries can be difficult to establish, for a variety of reasons: for some, the thought of boundaries is selfish while for others defining the boundaries is the challenge. Once defined and correctly implemented though, boundaries can assist in creating calm as expectations are managed for all involved. While it may appear the job is done, setting boundaries is not a once off task.
As relationships evolve, professional and personal, boundaries will need to be adjusted - either relaxed or made more stringent. Consider a friendship: it would be less acceptable to contact a new acquaintance late in the evening for a chat but more acceptable in a long-standing friendship where this boundary has become more relaxed. In a working relationship, regular lunch colleagues may need to create stricter boundaries around their lunch time if superiors feel the interaction is becoming inappropriate.
However, even where relationships are in a state of continuation, boundaries must be revisited. Humans are creatures of habit and we tend to slip back into old routines - sometimes despite our best efforts. Generally, this decline into the old and familiar is subtle and we are unaware of it, waking up one morning wondering how everything got so out of control. Again.
It is important to revisit your boundaries regularly and consider whether they need to be adjusted or reconfirmed or even recreated entirely. If you would like assistance with establishing boundaries, please Email me.
Counselling Myths
Counselling still has a bit of a bad rap and I would like to debunk a few myths I have heard of late.
Myth 1: Counselling is (very) long term.
Counselling can be relatively short term – it depends on the issue at hand. Dealing with a stressful work colleague, for example, needn’t result in months of counselling. There are different facets to counselling and one of them is termed psycho-education where information is provided within a specific context to enable clients to make more knowledgeable decisions, or better handle similar situations differently in the future.
Myth 2: I have to talk about my past.
This again will depend on the issue at hand, but also on the counsellor’s training and theoretical model from where they operate. There are theories that focus entirely on the here and now; and on the other end of the spectrum there are those who find benefit in resolving the past in order to resolve the present. This is something you can ask when first making the appointment.
Myth 3: Counselling is very expensive.
The cost of counselling varies depending on the qualification of the person you seek counselling from. Psychologists, Registered Counsellors, Social Workers and Lay Counsellors are able to offer a different level of service and therefore charge accordingly. As with any profession it is important to check the health provider’s credentials.
Myth 4: If all I am going to do is talk, can't I do that with friends?
Absolutely. Discussing pertinent issues with friends and/or family suggests a steady and reliable support system which is vital to overall mental health. However, while a good winge or cry often makes us feel better, if the matter is a more serious one, this is a temporary fix and may result in us becoming “that person who always talks about the same thing”. Counselling involves talking, but it is guided and solution oriented – where you identify possible solutions (and therefore consequences) for yourself. Which is far more empowering than following a well-meaning friend’s suggestion to put a laxative in your stressful colleague’s coffee.
New Year's Resolutions
Whoever started the trend of making new year’s resolution needs a talking to. Granted, for many the new year comes about at a time of holiday or rest from work, so energy levels might be higher, but the idea that a new year should magically bring some form of vigour that was not previously there is just silly. And why the need to wait for a new year to make a necessary change?
New year’s resolutions tend to come with a lot of hype, as a profound pledge to friends and family on a day that tends to be surrounded by alcohol. Hardly the makings of good decision making. In addition to this, new year’s resolutions are a statement, not a plan.
Changing any behaviour requires work, not simply the will. As with any task, steps need to be put in place to achieve the goal. Sometimes these steps are fairly obvious, other times not; sometimes these steps can be done alone, other times the input of others is needed. Usually it is this last area that is most difficult to organise, not only because other people need to be relied upon, but because confiding in others can be daunting.
If you have already forgotten your new year’s resolution, don’t worry about it.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by your resolution, some guidance may be needed.
But don’t wait another 340 days.
Seeking Counselling
As progressive as we consider our society to be, there is still a perception that things must be really bad to seek counselling; after all, if it wasn’t you could fix it on your own (which is really difficult when you are not too sure what it is).
Let us apply that to an analogy shall we: if your fridge develops an odd hum, or leaves a puddle at the foot of the door, you would call an electrician. Would you wait to see if it fixed itself? Unlikely. Would you attempt to fix it yourself? Maybe – what could possibly go wrong with Google by your side. Failing a DIY fix, you’d call someone out to look at the fridge, because ignoring the problem might result in a greater one and potentially a dustbin full of perishables.
Counselling is much the same: we can try a few DIY fixes (which would probably be more than you would attempt on your fridge), but the longer the problem is left, the greater it can grow and instead of a dustbin of perishables there may be damaged relationships or self-esteem. Neither of which can quickly be replaced by a trip to the shops.
Things do not have to be really bad to seek counselling. Doing so, earlier on, can provide you with coping strategies to better manage the next up-hill, and gain more enjoyment along the way.
Time Management
Time.
We never seem to have enough of it. And that which we do have is often underutilised. Of all the resources we have to manage, time is the most difficult, partly because we have to utilise the very resource we are trying to manage, to manage it.
Perhaps one of the biggest time-wasters is a tool which claims to help with time-management: the to-do list. While it seems perfectly logical, to-do lists can quickly evolve into something anxiety provoking as the number of items increases as the day or week progresses. The thought that crossing an item off the list would provide a sense of accomplishment is seldom true as most people are in a constant state of catch-up, adding more items than are crossed off.
As “the list” comprises tasks that need to be completed today, or this week, they are done in spare time (but we make the list to manage our time…?) Imagine a day full of meetings and a to-do list (in those helpful side columns of a diary) consisting of ten items: there simply is no time to do those tasks on that day.
The to-do list should be a start of a plan, not the plan itself, because simply knowing what tasks need to be done does not help if they are not scheduled into the day. And with most people fulfilling multiple roles in a day, chunking those tasks is equally as important as scheduling them into the day.
Chunking and scheduling tasks to maximise the time in the day will take some practice; however, if after a few weeks those tasks are still being passed on to the following day, it may be time to reorganise – or reprioritise – the multiple roles one is expected to maintain.
Remediating Effects of ADHD
While it may appear that every second child is being diagnosed with ADHD (a topic for another day perhaps), obtaining that diagnosis can offer a sense of relief. Of understanding why some tasks have been so difficult. Of guilt for applying pressure and placing demands. Of hope for a better way forward.
Regardless of the treatment option followed, there is an expectation that things will get better. Sometimes these expectations need to be reined in a bit, but they are there nonetheless. Often there is some trial and error in getting the treatment just right, and annoyingly once that is achieved something else will crop up and an adjustment will again be required. At some point though, the (modified) expectations will be met.
But what if they aren’t? What about those cases where every conceivable recommendation has been followed and the school marks are still not coming up? Colleagues and bosses are still complaining that tasks are not completed satisfactorily. It is not an expectation that has been overlooked, rather a history of experiences and habits.
In the case of school age children, the treatment(s) will improve behaviours and concentration moving forward, but there are potentially numerous skills that were missed which are now being built upon. Even if full attention is given to all classes now, there will be gaps which are likely to result in confusion, not to mention a large amount of frustration at still not being able to succeed.
While the above can be applied to adults in the workplace, there is often the added bad habits that crop up and sabotage matters. As an example, being organised is a skill we have to learn, one which those with ADHD find immensely difficult. Just because the ADHD is now being treated does not mean the skill of being organised miraculously happens.
There is an amount of remediation required once treatment has begun. To replace poor habits with good ones. To consolidate partially learnt or missed skills which are now being built upon. To change thought processes. This is as important as obtaining the diagnosis and finding a suitable course of treatment, because if skipped, the two previous steps may seem pointless.
School Readiness
It seems that with every passing year December seems to arrive quicker. Admittedly I too have been caught a bit off guard this year and this post on school readiness should have gone out two months ago. I am not alone here as there has only now been an influx of school readiness assessments.
The final term is generally daunting as little ones begin to understand more and more the move that will happen in the new year; even if they are staying within the same school, there will be a shift to another part of the school, a new uniform, a new bag – lots of newness. Which applies to the parents too: whether it is your first child or not, the move into grade one is big. Apart from all the talk and shopping about the new year, the final term is filled with assessments to ensure the littlies are ready. What happens to those who are not?
Generally, an independent school readiness assessment is suggested to find out where the underlying pitfalls may be (poor colouring may be due to poor fine motor development, lowered muscle tone, eye sight, motivation or simply just not an activity that is enjoyed). The scoring procedures are used to determine objectively where a child’s current level of development is and options provided to overcome or at least close the gaps between age and performance.
Parents are often upset to be told late in the year that there is a possibility their child will not be ready for grade one the following year. Unfortunately, it is a difficult course to navigate because a few months makes a huge difference in a young child’s development and areas which may have been identified as weak in April, are found to be within age appropriate ranges in September.
There is a tendency to focus on the academics, however, the emotional and physical development are just as important. Children who are emotionally young tend to struggle with the volume or pace of work, even if they are cognitively capable; the more structured environment with less free time may also be difficult for them to accept. Children who are less co-ordinated may also struggle with the pace or volume of work as their little bodies tire more quickly than their peers; they may be less co-ordinated and battle with the games at play time resulting in disagreements or avoidance of the game. This last example may result in feelings of isolation or not ‘fitting in’ which, if perpetuated, can negatively impact on the academics.
Knowing where your child is emotionally, cognitively and physically can make the rest of this fascinating, exciting, scary time a bit more manageable.
Slow Down
“Mindfulness” is a term that is found in abundance of late, and has become synonymous with another catch phrase: being present. Although the one is far more than the other, both can be difficult to implement and maintain long term. And because of the connotations behind these words – being closer to family, more understanding etc – not achieving these goals can result in feelings of guilt.
I suggest starting smaller, with a simpler process of slowing down. This is especially important at this time of the year when the end-of-year-brain-drain affects almost everyone. Attentions are divided between completing end of year projects, children’s exams, holiday planning and general tiredness. Rather than applying this in an all or nothing way, choose a few areas in your life where control seems to be slipping away. Something as simple as sleep. As the to-do list balloons at this time of the year, scheduling your needed hours of sleep can make all the difference to your mood and productivity.
One of the greatest areas to slow down is our thoughts. Easier said than done (I know), but segmenting your day to allow for time to ponder on your holiday destination, or google that all important end of year recipe will pacify that thought for the mean time and give you the focus to get the other jobs done. Another way to slow down is to use your daily travel time to listen to music you enjoy rather than the radio, or listen to an audio book; turn your phone on silent so you are not tempted to check if a notification is important, or just sit in silence. Or use this time to brainstorm ideas out loud and record your thoughts.
None of the above may apply to your life; we all need to look at what works for us, as an individual. But slow down. Where you can.
End of Year
Regardless of whether you are spending the time with family, friends or yourself; at home, on holiday or at the office, this time of the year is stressful. The change in routine and more time spent in different circumstances, is enough to rattle most, whether you are looking forward to the upcoming season or not. And bear in mind that if this rings true for you, it is likely to ring true for at least some of those around you, which means there will be stressed people around stressed people. Ah, the things movies are made of.
While it may be tempting to slip into the ‘responsibilities’ of the season (whatever they may be for you), ensure some quiet time to yourself over the next few weeks, preferably in between the bouts of activity to allow your body and mind to settle. This is not the time to make up for all missed social events and holidays in the year. As with life in general, it is vital to maintain balance.
If you feel yourself becoming frayed along the edges, be kind to yourself and consider that those around you may be feeling the same. Give some thought to how you can notice the beginnings of becoming frayed and ‘quick needs’ that must be met to bring calm again: specific music prepped on the iPod; favourite tea stocked, etc.
If you will be around children, have nap spaces available. They thrive on routine and while they may be thrilled that there is no school and there is more flexibility, they are easily overstimulated and overwhelmed. An afternoon nap will do them wonders. It works for adults too.